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A New Companion on Annette’s Journey
When Annette married her husband Derek in 1997, she imagined a long, active life together. That changed in 2020 when Derek was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. As his condition progressed, the diagnosis became Lewy Body Dementia – and it was Annette who had to break the news to him.
At the same time, Annette was dealing with her own challenges. Significant hearing loss left her struggling to manage the constant stream of health professionals, government agencies, and day-to-day demands that came with Derek’s care. Receiving a cochlear implant through The Hearing House was, she says, life-changing.
“Without my implant, I wouldn’t have been able to manage all the responsibilities that came with Derek’s care,” Annette explains. “Dealing with medical specialists, IRD, WINZ, and legal matters was overwhelming – let alone watching someone you love change in front of you. Having my hearing restored made all the difference.”
The load of care
Annette likens the years of caring for Derek to the myth of Sisyphus, endlessly pushing a boulder uphill only to have it roll back down.
“Unless someone has experienced this personally, the demands are both exhausting and strenuous with very little respite – and nigh impossible to comprehend.”
By January 2024, Derek’s condition had deteriorated significantly. After several significant incidents, his Enduring Power of Attorney was activated, and the difficult decision was made to move him into West Harbour Gardens Secure Dementia Unit. Though Annette knew it was the right decision, leaving him after visits was heartbreaking.
“It never got easier, especially when he would plead to come home with me.”
She also noticed a disconnect between what friends wanted to believe and the reality she was seeing – what she terms cognitive bias.
“On the days I didn’t visit – clinicians had advised not to every day – people would say, ‘He looked great’ or ‘We had a good talk about old times.’ But when I asked what they really saw, the answer was, ‘…um no, he’s not very good at all.’”
The longest goodbye
Derek passed away in October 2024. Even after years of gradual decline, Annette says nothing prepared her for the reality of becoming a widow.
“Although I had read many articles and knew dementia was often called the ‘longest goodbye,’ the loss of someone who was not just my husband but my safe place, my best friend, the person who laughed at my jokes – it was devastating.”
In the early months, Annette leaned on family, friends, and her faith. But she also faced a new vulnerability: without Derek, she worried about not hearing emergencies or intruders.
Power of connection
“Looking at all the research, there’s a clear link between hearing loss and mental health,” explains Annette. “We need to take very good care of our hearing and seek early specialised help through hearing professionals.”.
The loss of Derek and facing new challenges led her to a new companion in her life, Tina, a trained hearing dog from Hearing Dogs NZ.
In June 2025, Annette was invited to represent older adults who had received cochlear implants at an event at Parliament in Wellington, Power of Connection – connection in all forms, connection without barriers.
“Most people are aware of the importance of cochlear implants for children, but few understand how important it is to still connect with others as we age and experience hearing loss,” she says.
A new chapter
Over the last months, Annette says she’s felt drawn back to Derek’s care home and in fact, that connection has helped her to gain new purpose in rebuilding her life.
“At first, I thought returning would be too painful, but the pull was strong,” says Annette. “I recognised I had something valuable to offer – patience, understanding, and time. West Harbour Gardens have also welcomed Tina to visit the residents. There’s so much evidence about the benefits of animals for people with dementia, so I’m looking forward to volunteering with her in that capacity.”
Tina has given Annette confidence at home, and volunteering has created a way to give back to the community that cared for Derek.
Drawing on her years of caring for Derek and life afterwards, Annette now wants to share her reflections for others on the care partner journey:
• Consult your lawyer early so wills, enduring powers of attorney and other legal documents are in place.
• Join a dementia support group where you feel comfortable and safe.
• Take part in courses like Who Cares for the Caregiver – even just as a morning off.
• Seek and accept help when it’s offered.
• Remember that even when you expect the end, you may not feel prepared for it.
• Prepare yourself for that 12 month anniversary – it will knock you for six.
• Find someone who can make you laugh, or sit quietly with you.
• As best you can, be kind to yourself.
Dementia New Zealand’s Affiliate Network offers safe, understanding spaces for care partners and whānau to share experiences, learn practical strategies, and feel supported through every stage of the journey.
Across Aotearoa, demand for these groups is growing as more families are affected by dementia | mate wareware. Your support helps us ensure that everyone who reaches out finds the same sense of belonging and guidance that made a difference for Annette.
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Find your local Dementia New Zealand service at here.
