If you’re supporting someone with dementia | mate wareware, you may recognise this moment:

Your person looks at you with worry and says, “I need to go home to my mother,” or asks, “Where’s my wife?” when you know their mother died long ago or their wife is sitting beside them. You pause. Do you give the factual answer and risk causing fresh grief, or soften the truth to help them feel safe?

If you’ve chosen the gentler response, please hear this: you’re not being dishonest. You’re responding with care. This approach is known as a “therapeutic lie,” or compassionate communication, and it can be one of the kindest ways to support someone whose reality has shifted.

Why the Factual Truth Isn’t Always Kind

People living with dementia may experience the world through earlier memories. Their reality might be that their parents are alive, they have a job to get to, or their childhood home is still waiting for them.

Introducing today’s factual truth into that reality can heighten confusion or fear. The goal isn’t to correct their world, but to meet them in it so they feel safe.

Often the question isn’t about the fact itself. “Where is my mother?” may really mean, “I need comfort.” When we respond to the feeling behind the question, we help ease anxiety.

A Guide to Compassionate Communication

Here are some practical examples that acknowledge the emotion and offer reassurance:

Instead of: “You can’t drive; the doctor took your licence.”
Try: “The car’s at the garage today. Let’s go for a walk instead.”

Instead of: “You already ate lunch.”
Try: “The kitchen is closed right now, but dinner’s being prepared. How about a cup of tea while we wait?”

Instead of: “We sold that house years ago.”
Try: “We’re staying here tonight. I’m right here with you.”

Instead of: “I’m your daughter, not your sister.”
Try: “I’m someone who cares about you, and I’m here.”

These responses reduce distress and often open the door to gentle distraction.

The Role of Redirection

Compassionate communication often works best alongside redirection.

Your person: “I need to go to work.”
You: “It’s a holiday today — the office is closed. Since you’ve got the day off, could you help me with this puzzle?”

Redirection invites the person into something purposeful without confronting them with information that may feel confusing or upsetting.

Managing the Feelings that Come With It

It’s common to feel uneasy when you first use this approach. You may think, “I’ve just lied to someone I love.” That feeling simply shows your integrity and love.

Compassionate communication isn’t about avoiding truth for your benefit. It’s about protecting your person’s emotional wellbeing. You’re making a thoughtful choice to reduce distress.

A Final Thought

Supporting someone with dementia means adapting how we communicate. Sometimes the kindest response isn’t factual – it’s one that reassures. When you offer comfort rather than correction, you’re meeting your person where they are and helping them feel secure.

You’re doing great. Keep going.